Anjelica's Moments

One year ago, my entire world was shattered into a million pieces.  I lost my brother, my best friend. It was a moment in my life that has been on repeat day after day.  It was a moment of darkness, despair, and tragedy.  On July 10^th, 2020, an incredible person was ripped away from this Earth.  He was smart, kind, skillful, funny, and incredibly helpful. 

Grief has proven to be one of the most challenging journeys I have ever been on.  Some days are harder than others but not a day goes by that I do not endure the pain.  This is a journey that I am not sure how to navigate.  I am often faced with anger, confusion, and on some days even joy.  The array of emotions can be incredibly overwhelming.  There are days of uncertainty where all I can do is sit and hope that the pain passes.

I have realized how appreciative I am for all the memories.  And when I say all the memories, I am thankful for the good, the bad, and the ugly. The memories are what keeps him alive each and every day. However, the only memory that I will never be able to fully comprehend is the day that it happened.  I am engulfed with disbelief.  It still does not feel real.  Everything happened so fast that the ability to process or comprehend anything seemed near impossible. 

The love and support from family, friends, and loved ones began pouring in yet it felt foreign.  It is hard to recollect specific memories from that entire week.  It was as if the world continued to move yet I was immobile.  I felt numb and nonexistent day after day.  I was unsure how I would ever find myself again without him here.  I wished for one more phone call with him, one more hug, or one more memory.  Quickly, I realized that wishing gets you nothing but more disappointment. Nevertheless, I was not ready to face any sort of reality.  I wanted to put the world on pause and never let him go.

Now that a year has passed, I am finding myself surviving life again.  I believe there is a difference between living and surviving.  I know I will get to a point soon where I will live freely again.  I will breathe each breath knowing that my brother is safe and no longer suffering in this world.  I will do things with joy that we once enjoyed doing together.  But one thing is for sure, I will always remember him.  I will remember his contagious laughter.  I will remember how many things he taught me growing up.  I will remember how many lives he has positively impacted.  I will always have the memories to cherish. 

I will forever be on this journey of grief navigating blindly.  I find that most of us navigate adversity blindly unsure of what the next day will bring.  I still have days of anger, days of confusion and days of pure joy.  I attempt to surround myself with positivity and spread it as much as I can.  This world could use as much positivity as it can get.  I am confident my brother would want me doing the same.  I love you David.  I miss you every minute of every day.  God has you wrapped in his hands no longer suffering.  Until we meet again, continue to be with me each day.