The definition of resiliency according to the Marriam-Webster Dictionary is the ability to become strong or successful again after something bad happens. If I had to sum up my entire life using one single word, this would be the word that I would choose. Being resilient was never a choice, it was a way of survival. The positive qualities that emerge over time from a resilient lifestyle is quite astonishing. Gaining appreciation for these qualities took more time than I would like to admit.
Strength: The internal strength that I possess amazes me sometimes. I frequently hesitate to admit this due to my continued self-esteem struggles. However, when looking at my entire life and what I was able to accomplish, it solidifies this quality. I have not only fought battles for myself, but I also aided in fighting battles for others. Strength comes in various forms. When I was younger, I used to think it was strictly physical. As time passed, I gained knowledge and experience of mental and emotional strength. In my opinion, the mental and emotional strength was a more arduous journey. The strength that I had to equip myself with was more than I had ever imagined. There were days that I did not want to get out of bed. There were days that I wanted to shut out the world. There were days where I wished I was not part of it. There were days where I was actually upset that I had to live this life I was given. It was the moment where I started replacing the words “have to do it” with “get to do it”. My journey of developing this strength is endless. There will be tough days but there will also be really good days.
Independence: I started gaining my independence around 14 years old. I made the realization that whatever I wanted out of life, it was my responsibility to go after it. Independence can sometimes be a dangerous quality and it took some practice to properly utilize. Dangers include refusing help, being easily overwhelmed, and pushing out those who care about you. Unfortunately, I learned that the hard way. It took me years for this realization. Although it is still difficult for me to ask for help, I have learned to accept it. I get joy out of being able to accomplish something on my own. I have learned so many different skills over the years from this particular drive in me.
Vulnerability: Years ago, I exhausted myself by portraying a perfect lifestyle. I did not share adversity struggles due to fear of judgement or abandonment. I trusted few people and I had a tendency of pushing people away because I felt as if I was a burden to them. Growing up, nobody talked about personal or family struggles. Most people smothered them with fake smiles and laughter. I shared my story for the first time in college. The positive feedback I received was a foreign feeling to me. The moment that changed my outlook on being vulnerable was when I had people coming up to me relating to my story in some way. This opened a topic of discussion and a level of trust. At that moment, there was a sense of relief about being vulnerable. Although I am still hesitant to break down my walls, there are moments when I feel it can help others.
Helpful: One of my favorite things to do is to try to change someone’s day for the better. I try to make that my daily goal. If I could get one person to smile, laugh, or even spread positivity, I accomplished my goal. My career as a school counselor aligns perfectly with this quality. I tell my students that my main job is to help. I thrive off helping others. However, this too can become treacherous if not utilized properly. There are times I spread myself too thin. I have a difficult time simply saying “no”. If this becomes a consistent pattern, I tend to find myself physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. The longer I allow it to continue, the more difficult it becomes to recuperate. I preach self-care daily, yet I struggle using it on myself. About a year ago, I came to the realization that I needed to make a change. It was becoming more and more onerous to help others effectively because I had nothing left in me to give. Personally, I believe I have improved on this immensely. It will always be a working progress, but I have come such a long way from where I was previously.
Developing resiliency has also equipped me with qualities that I am not so quick to admit. The majority of these qualities I have learned to control over the years. However, there are times that they emerge from the darkness with no warning.
Trust Issues– Over the years, I have learned to depend on myself a little too well. Due to this, I began pushing away others at a rapid pace. I have a difficult time letting others into my world of chaos. I cannot quite figure out why. Could it be fear of judgement? Could it be a fear of people immediately wanting to “fix” me? My past cannot be fixed nor altered. I was seeking out people who knew how to just listen. Not everyone is equipped with this characteristic. Due to being let down time and time again, I simply gave up. I bottled everything up and continued my life with the infamous expression “I’m fine.” Although I continue to have issues trusting others, I found people who will simply just listen. I still find myself questioning why anyone would actually want to hear what I have to say, but again, I am working on it.
Self-Care– Although I am familiar with this term and preach it to others on a daily basis, I rarely practice this myself. Saying no to others is foreign to me because I struggle doing it. Because of this, I find myself spending all my free time on other people. It sounds amazing and selfless saying it out loud. When living it daily, it can become physically and mentally exhausting. Along with preaching self-care, I repeatedly inform others they cannot take care of people successfully unless they take care of themselves first. This is like a car being unable to get to a destination with an empty gas tank. A person cannot effectively help others if that person is running on an empty tank.
Self-Sabotage– Countless times I am putting myself down. My reflection in a mirror used to be my worst enemy. I absolutely hated what I saw. Constantly critiquing every inch of myself became a normal routine. I had such an unhealthy relationship with myself. I have obsessed over weight loss and weight gain a nauseating amount of times. Receiving compliments from others was difficult and unsettling. Instead, past negative comments would play on repeat in my head. This has been one of my greatest improvements over the years. Although I am sure we all have a “list of things” that we want to change about ourselves, I no longer obsess over image. Maturity has helped a lot. Simply living a healthy lifestyle has become a priority for me and it has led me to a more body positive journey.
Proving Myself– I have always found a need to prove myself time and time again. It becomes a challenge for me when somebody tells me I cannot do something. I become laser focused on accomplishing this task with whatever means necessary. The negative in this feat is that I do it more for everyone else rather than myself. The positive is that I have acquired an abundance of accomplishments over the years. I exhaust myself just so that I can say “I told you so” post accomplishment. I was told countless times in my life that I either should not or could not do things. Hard work and determination allowed me to conquer a multitude challenges.
I have made the determination that I would not be the person I am today without facing the countless battles throughout my life. They have morphed me into the person who I used to aspire to be. I have accepted the fact that my journey is endless. I am climbing up a never-ending mountain. There are days when I am sprinting, there are days where I feel as if I am going backwards, and there are days were I simply need to sit down an take a break. Learning that all of these options are okay was a challenge in itself. I am not myself without adversity. I will continue to navigate my way through this crazy thing we call life. I will continue to work on myself daily. And I will continue to face adversity head on knowing that it will build on the qualities that I already possess and equipping me with new ones that I will be waiting to maneuver my way through.
Anjelica's Moments 