Trapped

I do not know who I am anymore. I am not who I want to be. However, I feel like I no longer can make that choice. I wish I could better understand it. There are some days that I feel I may be gaining a better understanding and then it spins in another direction.

I feel like I am in a room engulfed with darkness. I am chained down in shackles and escaping no longer becomes an option. As I start to run towards any glimmer of light, I am quickly retracted back into the darkness. I find myself back at the beginning and any progress is lost. I continue to search for an escape or any little bit of hope that I can cling onto. Feelings of loneliness become the norm.

I do feel like I keep it all together on the outside. You can face the world with a simple smile. Beneath that smile is somebody who is in a deep dark hole trying everything to get out. The screams and cries for help are masked by the darkness that continues to pull me back. The only two words that ever seem to come out are, “I’m fine.”

With this constant battle of internal and external emotion, I am left with constant confusion. I never know what to do but I know I do not want any help. I convince myself each and every day…that it will be okay.

The darkness has taught me that my house is my safe zone and I dare not leave. If I do leave, I am secretly counting down the minutes until I can return. My body is taken over by anxiety anytime I have plans that require me to leave. Why? Why am I like this? I never used to be this person and I can only pray that one day I find the person I used to be.

One of the hardest parts of this unwanted journey is trying to explain it to other people who do not have an understanding. I promise that I am not monotonous. I assure you that I enjoy having fun. You do not understand! I have these invisible chains that have me locked down and I am unable to move. Do you understand how that makes me sound if I were to tell people that? Instead, a simple “No, I have plans” will suffice. What they do not know is that my plans are with the darkness that will not leave me alone. If plans are made, I spend the next few hours conjuring up an excuse for why I can no longer go.

Please believe me; It is not my fault. I am left with broken friendships or people who have simply given up. Maybe this is my fault. I cannot get close to anybody or else I will scare them away. Therefore, I do not bother trying. But again, I promise you this is not my choice. It has me trapped here. So badly I want to escape but deep down I know the truth. It will always be a part of me now.

I feel like I am not living. I feel like I am only existing. The difference is quite astonishing. There are some days that feel like the rest of the world is moving, yet I am completely still, unable to move. I wait countless hours for anything to happen, but I remain frozen. I continue to try each day with goals of productivity in mind. The hands on the clock tic and make their way around rather rapidly. Time is one of the most valuable things in life and I am wasting it. Why? I do not want this anymore. Please make it stop! This is not me. I promise. I cannot break free from this darkness.

Fear has now engulfed me. I can feel the darkness taking more and more of my days from me. The days are also getting closer and closer together. How is this fair? I am beyond the feeling of being scared. I am totally numb.

Lately, I feel extremely lost. It is almost as if I am wondering around in a dark forest unsure of which path to take. Every direction feels wrong. Therefore, I am bound to stay lost, walking in my familiar circle.

False hope has played a significant role in this endless nightmare. I want so badly to believe in the positives. I try, I truly do. Lately, I have been left with unwanted news, more darkness, and defeat. “Just keep thinking positive” they say. “People have it worse, just imagine how strong this is going to make you.” Although these messages are meant to give support, it honestly feels like I am being pounded further into the ground, similar to a nail being hammered into a piece of wood.

Now the question remains; What do I do now? How do I make this disappear? Will I ever be able to recover the person I used to be? I want to beat this so badly. Wait…I know, I can beat this. I will beat this.

-Anjelica

Just your average person who fell into the hands of depression.