I have a sense of guilt when I am depressed. I feel that it has such an effect on those around me. I try to conceal it as much as possible but sometimes I lose control. As the dark waters begin to rise, I find myself crouching behind the flood lock. Eventually, the water level continues to rise until it begins to spill over. When I begin to feel the splashes of water, I know it is an indication that dark days are coming. Rapidly, the water bursts through and demolishes my wall. I no longer have a safe place to hide.
As the water washes away any sort of happiness or positivity, I am left emotionless. It is a feeling of numbness. Soon, the negative thoughts begin invading my mind and body. Unfortunately, I am far too familiar with these thoughts. They are never pleasant and I can never predict how long they will stay for. Now, my intention is to keep others away. I know how detrimental these experiences are in my own life; I would never want anybody else to have to experience this when my wall collapses. Finally, I retreat. This is what I know.
When others reach out to help, I begin to see an uneasy mental picture. I begin to compare this darkness with an extremely contagious disease. When others attempt to reach out, I picture the darkness traveling from me to them and infecting their entire body. Therefore, saying my infamous line, “I’m fine” followed by a smile typically resolves the issue. I have the belief that negativity is just as contagious as positivity. Being a selfless person, I never wanted to spread negativity to others. Why would anybody want to hear my complaints? Why would anybody waste their time listening to my issues? It is quite interesting that I am instilled with that mindset when I am a counselor. It is a constant battle, but I am working through it.
I recognize that the gaps are closing closer and closer together. Because of this, I live in constant fear.
Anjelica's Moments 